This blog will be about my various conundrums while attempting to enjoy Wawa. However, I will start it out with a very academic and highly intelligent look at its far-inferior competitor, Sheetz. Enjoy.
Going to school in Bumblefuck, Pennsylvania introduced me to a new enemy in my life: Sheetz. I’ll be honest, I may have a small beef with Wawa, but I would put high military grade explosives in every Sheetz in America if it was allowed. The place sucks. Every person that steps into one of those god forsaken establishments develops this weird Southern drawl that is somehow unique to Sheetz?? I would straight up kill myself if I had a southern accent. Anybody who has one sounds like they studied English by watching shows and movies on .5x speed. Freaks.
“Hey Mike, why are you getting into weird side stories about Sheetz and southern accents? I clicked on this because of Wawa!”
Thanks for reminding me, professor. Wawa is one of the most glorious places on Earth; it is a safe haven for gasoline, ready made sandwiches and subs, and not so sober meetups. How could anyone have a problem with something so perfect? I’ll show you, from the mind of a miserable young man.
- ORDER STATION ANXIETY
Nobody in their right mind goes to Wawa with any idea of what they’re picking from the electronic order station. “Wow I’m really dying for a Wawa meatball sub!” Literally no one has ever said that. Anyone who orders a meatball sub goes through a couple of stages before finally deciding on Satan’s dinner of choice. The walkup to the order station is confident and carefree: no one can stop you, you’re about to order a 9-inch sub for $5! Then, the choices hit you. So many colors on the screen, so many options, and it feels like there’s some sort of unspoken rule that you can’t take longer than 5 minutes at the screen. All of sudden, you’re sweating. Hot sandwiches à meatball subs à pepperjack cheese???????????????? 15 minutes later and you’re bent over your toilet holding rosary beads yelling at the devil to escape your bowels. Fix the order station culture, no one wants a damn meatball sub!
- ONE SET OF GAS STATION TERMINALS OPEN, OTHER CLOSED. WHY.
Disclaimer: I am the type of person who allows my car’s gasoline level to sink to below E before I even start thinking of stopping at a gas station. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this; why stop multiple times in one tank of gas to re-up when you can give yourself extreme anxiety and risk a breakdown of your car by waiting until the gas is empty? This brings me to my next Wawa problem – Wablem, if you will. (working on a trademark). What is the point of opening one side of the parking lot for getting gas and then putting cones in front of the other side’s terminals??? AND ANOTHER THING: why do we as humans just blindly let a small orange cone dictate where we do and do not go? What is the cone going to do, arrest me? Shoot me? Anyway, what overhead operating costs does opening both gas stations up to the public include? Pumping gas is such a ridiculous cash cow, and the #1 selling product at Wawa by a large margin. Why limit your profit and make people wait in a GAS LINE? Is this the Industrial Revolution? Where do I live?
- GOING TO WAWA FOR MUNCHIES AT 3 AM AND NOBODY IS WORKING THE REGISTER SO YOU HAVE TO AWKWARDLY STARE AT THE LADY WHO IS CLEANING THE STORE SO YOU CAN CHECK OUT AND LEAVE
This one’s personal: Shoutout to the Wawa on Rt. 34 in Wall, I’ll see you later tonight baby.
I hope you enjoyed Blog #2. Thanks to everyone who reached out with imessage games; I connected with some people who I haven’t spoken to in a long time and it was nice to hear from them in a time in society where everyone feels as distant as ever. Again, please continue to read the great content that our site is pumping out, follow everyone on social media, and stay indoors so I can be brain dead at Bar A this summer.