Your Definitive Guide to Quarantine

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this entire blog and then it deleted without saving. I am now restarting it and I am heated. Enjoy.

I know what you’re thinking: who is this fucking creepo in the Paddy hat and what could he possibly know about anything? Well, you bring up two very valid questions that I have so-so answers to: my name is Mike and, honestly, I don’t know much about anything. What I do know, however, is how to stay at home and enjoy myself while doing it. Without further ado, I present to you the DEFINITIVE guide to enjoying your quarantine.

(AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you like my mustache, please forward that compliment to my mother because she tells me to shave that caterpillar on my face every morning when I wake up. Little does she know I have the pulse of the people at my fingertips. Thank you in advance.)

  1. ANNOY YOUR SIBLINGS

One of my favorite things to do in the world is annoy my two little siblings. I am the proud older brother of a brother and a sister. However, what’s the point of siblings if you can’t ruthlessly aggravate them? Although there are literally endless ways to accomplish annoying your siblings, I will highlight three of my favorites. The first is simple but requires a bit of effort and dedication on your part. Set an alarm for a disgustingly early time: I like 7 AM (shoutout Uzi). When the alarm goes off, SPRINT into their rooms, wake them up, say hi, and go back to sleep. You don’t know annoyed until you hear a 17-year-old Luka Doncic lookalike screaming at you to go die. The second method to my madness is one that works at any time of year, not just during quarantine. Eat their food the moment they put it in the fridge or pantry. My sister is the type of psychopath that writes their name on their food before putting it away. “Meg’s Food, Don’t Touch!” Okay, idiot. Thanks for putting a giant red arrow pointing directly at my next meal. The final one is my personal favorite, for it is quick, effective, and a little dangerous. Walk up to them while they are playing video games (this especially works for little kids playing Fortnite) and make a little small talk. Nothing suspicious to see here, right? Wrong; all of a sudden you dart to the XBOX and turn it off. Run for your fucking life because trust me, you don’t know how hard a 12-year-old girl can hit until you’re on the receiving end of a flailing arm.

  1. HELP YOUR PARENTS WITH VERY MUNDANE TASKS AND COMPLAIN THE ENTIRE TIME ABOUT WHAT ELSE YOU COULD BE DOING

#2 is another quarantine strategy that works at any time, but it is particularly effective during these trying times. My family and I recently moved to the Jersey Shore into a pretty impressive house thanks to my dad’s lifelong hard work. With an impressive house, however, comes A LOT of upkeep and home improvement projects (Dad, if you’re reading this, tuck that thing into your pants; I can see you’re getting a little excited hearing “home improvement”). Anyway, the house we moved into include a weird side house of sorts that my dad is currently using as a safehouse for his millions of dollars in (mostly useless) tools. The end goal, however, is to turn it into a giant man cave complete with ping pong and pool tables and old school arcade games.

(No Myla you can’t come over you slimy rat)

This side house needs a new roof. I don’t know how many of our readers have ever done roofing but I’ll let you in on a little secret: it fucking SUCKS. Humping 50 pieces of plywood up an eight foot ladder during 30 mph winds is how I would describe hell and I just got through a weekend of doing exactly that. This brings me a way to make this a little more enjoyable. My dad is using it against me that I have been a lazy bitch for a month now, doing nothing but eating my siblings’ food, being carried to Warzone victories, and sleeping. “Help me outside you bum!” Fine dad, but it comes with the aforementioned price. Put on a sourpuss face, walk slowly to wherever your parents need you with your head down, and sigh periodically when you know your parents can hear you. This quarantine activity can end one of two ways: your parents get extremely annoyed and tell you to fuck off or, in the case of my dad, completely ignore what you’re doing and still make you do whatever they are asking. Good luck!

  1. SEND IMESSAGE GAMES TO PEOPLE IN YOUR PHONE CONTACTS THAT YOU HAVEN’T TALKED TO SINCE HIGH SCHOOL

Ok I’ll admit I haven’t done this one yet BUT you’re telling me this isn’t a prime idea for absolute CHAOS???? Try it and tweet me @Bertrand1013 with the results.

  1. READ VILLEN MEDIA AND STAY TUNED FOR MORE CONTENT

You knew this one was coming. In all seriousness, I have been wanting to write on a blog that was more than just sports for a while now, but never worked up the determination to design a site and acquire help. Steve, the head of Villen Media, is hands down the best story teller and one of the best sports writers that I have the pleasure of knowing. Couple that with his almost-too-nice demeanor and a Roledex of loyal friends, and you have a recipe for someone that is running a site that we hope will be diverse and entertaining. Thank you Steve for inviting me to be a part of this, thank you to whoever made it this far in the blog, and please continue reading and sharing what the writers here have to offer. Enjoy!

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